Wednesday, July 15, 2009


July 15, 2009

This weekend is my class of 1979 grade school reunion. It is hard to believe I have been out of grade school for 30 years. I cannot go to the reunion since, as you know, I work every other weekend. If there is an event or holiday, you can assume it is my weekend to work. The reunion is 100 miles away which isn't insurmountable, but having to work 2pm-11pm both Saturday and Sunday nights makes it impossible.

It is just as well since I really only went to school with these folks for one year. I went to one grade school for kindergarten though seventh grade, and then my family moved. I went to Holy Trinity grade school for only eighth grade. It was however, my favorite year of grade school. My time at St. Albert the Great was not full of happy memories. Therefore, I wouldn't have hated going to this reunion.

I know my wife thinks the only reason I want to go is to see the girls and what they look like now. This isn't really my fault. Once the e-mails starting circulating about the reunion, I contacted the four guys I was friends with back at Holy Trinity. None of us have spoken to one another for the past 16-30 years, so it was cool to have the chance to catch up. In doing so, the one guy I was closest with (meaning the one I talked to a mere 16 years ago), replied that he had info on the girls we all thought were hot back then. I then made the mistake of looking on face book for them and seeing that the one we all pined for the most was still rather attractive.

Let me deviate for a moment. No, I am not a face book subscriber. For all I know, "face book" is both capitalized and one word. I have no account, I do not "friend" anyone, nor do I plan to. I do very little with the computer other than follow my sports teams, play in a couple of fantasy sports leagues (did your geek-o-meter just go off?), and read e-mail. Now, I do this blog that no one reads just as a way to get in touch with my inner voice. Therefore, face book is not something for me.

Back to the "hot" girls of Holy Trinity grade school (HTgs). My wife and I share the same e-mail address which is typically not a problem for me as I have nothing to hide. However, for some odd reason, my wife does not want to hear about other women I may or may not think are hot. (Except for the local news anchor who I have met in person and is on my laminated list of 5 exceptions just like Ross from Friends had).

Time for another sidetrack because this is a funny story. Hopefully, some of you are familiar with the episode of Friends in which Ross and Rachel have an agreement to come up with the names of 5 celebrities that they are allowed to sleep with should they ever make their acquaintance. Without rehashing the entire episode, I will tell you that I, like probably a lot of males, thought this was a GREAT idea. Like Rachel, my wife laughed it off and did not come up with her 5. I had my 5, which has changed several times over the years, but with one constant. I kept this particular news anchor from my local city on the "list" for two reasons. One, I really did and do think she is hot. And two, she is local and I was sure I would probably run into her someday. Never mind that I live in Cincinnati which is considered a rather large city. Fast forward 10 or so years to the season of Halloween. I work in retail, and was working at my store in the Halloween section. A voice from behind asks my where the fog machines are, I turn, and I am face-to-face with HER. OMG!! Well, being the cool customer that I am, I charmingly replied, "Duh....". I know, pretty smooth. Finally, I gave her directions to the fog machine in question, and then tried to decide what work I was supposed to be doing in the fog machine aisle. As it turns out, down the fog machine aisle are several motion activated Halloween decorations that make spooky noises as you walk in front of them. It is very difficult to pretend to work in this aisle without making a rather obvious ass of yourself. Finally, before the term "stalker" was to become synonymous with my given name, I decided to move on.
I told my wife the story (or at least some of it), and she asked how the lady of my dreams acted towards me. I explained that other than asking me the initial question, she basically did her shopping and ignored me. My wife then explained to me that when a woman thinks you are hot, she ignores you. This was quite the revelation. Now I feel bad for this woman because she must think I am quite the stud because she ignores me every time she shops at my store. How could one woman (or all the woman at the bars while I was in college for that matter) have it that bad for little ol' me. One of these days I will have to break it to her gently that I am married and the list of 5 was just a joke. I do not look forward to that conversation.

Back to the hot women of HTgs. It suddenly dawns on me that these girls also had it bad for me as many of them had the ignoring technique down even at the tender of age of 13 or 14. I remember my hair cut in the eighth grade, and I could see that with that hair and the pizza face complexion, I must have been "to die for". Anyway, I will not be seeing any of these people this weekend, but hopefully I will see my long lost buddies at some point. We can relive our fondness for Olivia Newton John and our desire to "get physical" with her (or any girl for that matter) over a couple of beers. Something to look forward to. Until then...

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