Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I am guessing you don't line the rim with salt

June 28, 2011

As I told you, I am the acting store manager this week at The Target, so everyone gave me grief about not bringing doughnuts to work yesterday.  If I were ever the actual store manager, I do not think I would want my main contribution to be doughnuts.

So, as I walked the store yesterday, I came across a situation that I wondered if I was going to have to make a decision about.  Not that I made no decisions yesterday, I made a bunch (ie creamer with coffee, route to work, run the yellow light, what parking space-you know, important stuff), this decision just had the makings of something important and unusual.

As I turned a corner by electronics, I encountered a man and a woman and a baby.  As I started to ask if they needed any help, I noticed that the baby was hanging off the woman's breasticle-nursing.  Okay.

This was awkward at first because I had just asked her if she needed any help.  It was similar to the time I had walked up to a guest who had her back to me and asked if she needed any help finding anything.  As she turned around, it became apparent she was adjusting her bra strap.  It was also apparent that she was wondering if the person asking her was being weird or not.  I am quite sure the rush of blood to my face made it fairly clear that I had not intended to be weird or creepy-just bad timing.  In case you were wondering, she found what she was looking for.

As for my trip into the land of National Geographic periodicals yesterday, this guest did not need any help either.  Looked like she had it under control.  If you are waiting for me to say how embarrassed I was again, this time I was not.  I am not easily thrown off my game and wasn't this time either.  It may have been because Beth and I had just watched the movie Babies Sunday evening and had gotten rather used to seeing the woman from Namibia keep the milk bags free the whole movie, but is also just because this act is a natural thing and not sexual in any way.

That being said, isn't it strange how a woman nursing with a breast hanging out is not sexual, but a nipple slip from Brittany Spears is broadcast all over You Tube?  Interesting.

I walked away from this guest and did not ask her to put lunch away, or step off the floor, or cover anything up.  However, I wondered if I was going to get a guest complaint at some point.  Not everyone takes to open displays of nutrition.  What if somebody suddenly thought we had opened a different sort of lemonade stand and there became a line?  What would my decision be?

Fortunately, it never came to be.  Either lunch was wrapped up or I am the only one walking around the store looking at women's breasts.  Hi Beth.

I think I would have explained to any complainant that it was her right to do this and perhaps have offered the woman a more private location.  I am not certain what I would have done since this situation does not come up in any training manuals.

How about you?  Would you have been offended?  On what grounds?  I need some research for next time. 

Saturday, June 25, 2011

June 25, 2011

It has been a crazy week at work and I am very glad to have the weekend off.  Next week I have to train an intern, train a new manager, and act as store manager while he is away on vacation.  In addition, I have to make sure we are getting the store ready for the upcoming transition to back to school.  I know, BTS already?  The week of July 4th you will start to see backpacks and notebooks, and the other tools of the school trade.  It is one of my least favorite sets not because of what it is, but what it represents-the end of summer.  I realize school does not start for another 6-8 weeks depending on where you live, but I hate seeing patio stuff go away only to be stuck with glue sticks.  Good grief!

As for the weekend, we have huge plans.  Huge, I tell ya.  Right now, CJ is making a cheese sandwich without bread and I am stuck in the time sucking vortex which is the computer.  We slept in until after 9am today, then ate biscuits, and then watched Jim Gaffigan on Net Flix.

We have free trial of Net Flix for about 30 days, so we are finding out that we have not really missed much in the cinematic world the past 12-15 years.  I guess the really big blockbusters aren't on there, but I have not been overwhelmed with two thumbs up choices.

We have enjoyed the stand up comedians such as Gaffigan and Brian Regan, but the only other movies I have watched all the way through were Salt and Easy A.  Both were good enough, but Net Flix may not be something we ever pay for.

Last night Beth and I went to our local downtown and watched a bicycle criterium.  A criterium, or crit, is a bike race held on a short course.  It actually had professional bike racers in attendance who competed for prize money in addition to races for children and amateurs.  We did not stay too long as I was pretty tired, but we did see one whole stage 3 race and the kids' races.  Oddly enough, the crash was in the race for the little kids.  The professional stage 3 race was 50 kilometers and only about 20 of the original 40 entrants were around for the finish.  They looked pretty tired by the end.  These old knees of mine cannot even imagine doing 50 kilos on a bike. 

The other really fun part about the night was that Beth got to make lots of jokes about sausages and bicycle pants.  I will simply let you imagine the hilarity.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Bethie needs a hug

June 14, 2011

The company is gone.  Bethie is sad.  Aunt Beth was the bestest hostess with the mostest.  I watch her play with those babies and know she will be the best Grandma ever.  That is if CJ comes through with his promise to have children and does it before we reach our 60s.  Beth in her 60s equals Beth with dementia.  I picture her holding babies by one foot at that point and offering them hits of her whiskey. 

Oh, hello Bethie.  Oh, nothing.

So the vehicle has been on the road for almost 2 hours and we have not yet found anything that got left behind.  Except for my sister and her husband's sanity.  There comes a point in every road trip with children when you regret your choice to go on vacation.  I would guess somebody has already asked if they are almost there even though they have about 6 hours left to drive.  Good luck to both of you and God speed.

Yesterday treated us to another outstanding weather day and a trip to Kings Island.  We had a blast.  There was even a point where I let CJ play tour guide and take Edward, Kathy, and their oldest child to the adult section of the park, while Beth and I took care of the two youngest.  Ben was awesome and fearless on all the rides.  Julia was Julia. 

She is at that age when you wonder if perhaps bipolar much?  She is ecstatic on the Great Pumpkin roller coaster, yet melting down while waiting in line for the Boo House.  One minute you want to hug her until she begs you to stop; the next minute you are thinking of introducing her to your neighbor's pit bull, Satan.  They bought him from Craig's List when answering an ad for a dog that "will eat anything and loves kids". 

I desperately wanted Kathy, Edward, and Mary to experience the awesome roller coasters at Kings Island such as the Diamondback, yet I also wanted Julia to stop crying.  I wanted to buy them an ice cream, but Beth said I had to get their parent's permission.  Really?  Where are they right this second?

So I texted CJ and then made believe they texted back their approval for ice cream.  Beth played along with me (I thought I had fooled her), and we settled in for some ice cream and cotton candy.  As we arrived back from the concession stand, Beth took off without saying where she was going.  I thought perhaps she had ditched me, but it turns out that if she had waited two more seconds, she would have left a pee trail across Snoopy World. 

Cotton candy is crack for toddlers.  It kills part of your brain for a small amount of time.  Fortunately for my sister, she returned to us as Julia was in this state of euphoria and they enjoyed some more rides while Beth and I convinced her that "Julia was this happy the whole time you were gone."  I think she would have bought our story if Beth had not actually said, "she was this poopin happy the whole damn time you were friggin gone."  Perhaps someone needs a filter.

So we are going through company rehab, which is just returning to life as we know it for Beth and myself, and CJ returning to the privacy of the man cave.  I went downstairs to tell CJ that the toddlers across the street were coming over for a quick visit and he warned me that somebody was about to get hurt.  Perhaps he needs some cotton candy.

Great to have seen you Kathy, Edward, Mary, Ben, and Julia!!!!!!  Please keep in mind while reading this post that semi-interesting reading requires some creative embellishment, and that you are welcome here anytime.  No children were actually harmed in the creating of this post.

As for lightning bugs, they may not have gotten off so lucky.

Monday, June 13, 2011

June 13, 2011

As it turns out, we took 102 pictures yesterday, so previewing them all and making sure you don't put any inappropriate shots of young children on the Internet takes more time than I have right now.  Therefore, I am giving you some highlights of yesterday which may include some photos that Ansel Adams would not approve of.

The adults....and Julia.

Me, my sister, my brother....and Julia.

The children-none of which are actually in the witness relocation program.  I am not sure why it is all blurry, or why a stuffed bunny would need to be in a witness relocation program.

Ben was missing from the previous photo so he gets to show off the bubble show Beth had supplied for the children.  Even the 14 year-old gave in to temptation and played with bubbles. 

We also had a wiggling water sprinkler.

This was the sleeping arrangement for the babies.

We took a walk across the Purple People Bridge which connects downtown Cincinnati to Northern Kentucky.  For some reason, Beth never took a photo of the models having their Bebe fashion shoot on the bridge. 

I can't remember if one of the models floated away or if we saw a group of balloons that had escaped.

The weather was more than I could have asked for and we took every opportunity to be outside yesterday.  We also stopped at Skyline for chili Cincinnati style, and then at Graeters for ice cream.  The waitress at Skyline got a little frustrated with us.  It was her fault realy since she did not heed my advice to talk slower to the people from Georgia.

It was a big, fun day.  We are going to Kings Island today.  Pictures tomorrow.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

We are Freeman!!

June 11, 2011

They have arrived!!  After 10 hours in the car, they made it.  There was an accident on the way and several stops for sliders (White Castle) and potty breaks, so they rolled into our neighborhood around 8:00 last night.  It is always humorous how after a trip like this, the parents are worn out and ready for bed, yet the kids are ready to run around the block several times.  I caught a photo of Julia sitting on the couch where she remained for approximately 4 seconds.

The hit of the night was the look on the kids faces when they saw the bed linens Beth had set up for them.  She had one set of Cars II sheets and two sets of Princess sheets.  We had purchased three twin-sized air mattresses and set them up in a stack due to space constraints.  Being the good uncle I am, I explained to Ben that the stack was the actual sleeping arrangement.  He would be on the bottom with his sisters on top.  So excited was he to sleep on his Cars sheets that he climbed on in and prepared for a long summer's nap.  Perhaps too long.  His sister, Mary, climbed on her bed and they settled in for the night.

You can see Ben's arm sticking out under the stack.  He is the pea and Mary is the princess. 

I am neglecting my guests, so I will get back to you as soon as more pictures are available.  Just wait until I teach Ben how to cook with fire.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Honestly, I have never done drugs!

June 7, 2011

My sister and her family will be arriving in just 3 days!  I think my brother and his family will be driving up from Louisville for the weekend, but I have not spoken with him personally about that part yet.  I just called his house and spoke with my 15 year-old nephew who thinks they are coming, but as far as he knows, they are sleeping in a van down by the river.  He was as helpful as CJ would be if my brother had called here.  Except that at least my nephew was awake.  It is 11:00 and CJ is still sleeping.  I had gotten up to take a leak at 1:00am and noticed he was still awake.  I told him to go to bed, but it came as no surprise to me when today Beth informed me that CJ's current favorite song is by Bruno Mars.  It is called The Lazy Song.

So Beth has used her time since the school year ended to clean the house.  Not the dusting/vacuuming type of cleaning; but the kind where you go through the attic, the closet, the drawers, and the shed and purge.  We are neither hoarders nor homeless people devoid of possessions, but we certainly have a lot of old stuff that needed to go. 

One of the things Beth found was a photo album of mine from my high college years.  There were plenty of regrettable pix in there.  One that comes to mind was a golf tournament my friends and I attended called the LBCOD classic.  What we thought was funny back then was really a tasteless tribute to Len Bias and his cocaine overdose.  When I write about how much better Xavier is than the University of Cincinnati later in this post, be reminded of that golden moment in some Xavier students' lives.

The other "interesting" photos were of me and a couple of the girlfriends I had back then.  As Beth showed them to me, she asked what I thought about when I looked back at them.  I told her it made me feel better for Beth as she turned out to be the winner of this guy.  I think she failed to turn her head away from the album as she spewed pretty much on purpose. 

For the record, when Beth later asked me if I still liked her, I told her that in real life I was the winner.

So last night, we went down to the aforementioned University of Cincinnati for CJ's last CYWE concert.  It was a very good concert and CJ did well. 

As we were leaving the campus, we drove by a young man urinating on the side of a building.  Classy.  I started making some remarks about the quality of education there at UC, when Beth pointed out to all of us why it was okay for him to relieve himself there.

She pointed to a sign along the curb that had the 16th letter of the alphabet on it with a circle around it, and a line through the circle.  There was no such sign on the side of the building.  Once you figure this out (are you done counting?), you will see that apparently there were no restrictions against P-ing on the side of the building.

I really am the winner.

I just reread this and noticed that I mistakenly typed "high college years" when I had changed my thought from high school years to college years.  I am not changing it because I cracked my own self up.