Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Your Bodega is Bodesious

February 24, 2010

Does anyone out there have a Bodega they need a husband/wife couple to run for them? Or a small shop? Or one of those old One Hour Photo drive ups that has turned into a slushie stand/windshield wiper replacement kiosk?

Target has these places in New York City (and maybe elsewhere, I'm not sure), called Bullseye Bodegas. I have only seen them once in an on-line news article, and it made them sound temporary, but I have chosen to believe they are a permanent corner store in parts of downtown New York. The pix I saw were very cute. While I have NO desire to live in New York, or anywhere colder than here in Cincinnati, I do dream of being the manager of one of those size stores. I thought I would want to own one and be the owner/operator, but I do not have enough expendable income to take on that kind of risk. Plus, I would have to come up with other things besides the money: time, location, an idea for something to sell... That isn't me. However, there have got to be people out there with all those things, but no desire to actually do any of the work opening and running the store. That is where Beth and I come in. We are both trustworthy, great workers, knowledgeable about what it takes to sell merchandise and make the customer happy, have lots of retail experience, and would have no trouble working in the same small space with each other every day. All these qualities can be had for a mere $100,000/year salary. We'll even have CJ work there for free.

When I leave home in the morning for the Target, all I want to do is get through the day and get back home to Beth and CJ. We really truly enjoy each other. We share the same work ethic. And we are tired of having bosses. I hope Beth isn't too tired of having a boss, since I would be her boss. She seems to think the opposite is true, but I let her be the boss at home, so she should let me be the boss at work. "Honey, can I take my tallywacker out of the freezer now? The other guys are taking theirs to the game." A comedian I heard used this line when he lost the upper hand at home. Hey, I don't care if I have the upper hand at home, but at work I do like being able to make a decision once in a while. Lately, all those decisions seem to be getting second guessed, but Beth wouldn't do that to me..right?

CJ's birthday is right before Christmas, so we were trying to decide which gift to give him for birthday, and which one for Christmas. She said she didn't care and didn't want to make the decision, would I please decide? Okay, how about the elephant for birthday, the helicopter for Christmas. Is he spoiled, nah. Anyway, Beth immediately said, no I was thinking the helicopter, then the elephant. Milka wha??? Why did you ask? Oh nevermind.

So, Beth thinks we would not want to share a home and a workspace, that we would fight. Why would we? We don't fight now. Every once in a while we threaten to punch each other in the face, but we are just joking.

A little boy and his dad were walking through the store discussing why he wasn't going to get a certain toy when, all of a sudden, the five or six year old said, "I am going to punch you in the face". Only, he wasn't joking. Yeeesh. So I told this story to Beth and CJ, and now when we are kidding around, one of us will suddenly shout out, "I am going to punch you in the face!" It makes for good wholesome fun.

So I guess if you are on this site recruiting for couples to manage your store, you will be moving on to Leona Helmsley and Bernie Madoff. I haven't really represented myself very well with the whole talleywacker thing or the face-punching. Okay, but you are making a big mistake. Beth and I would run one heck of a bodecious bodega.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Boo Hoo Officer

February 22, 2010

I am trying to remember the number of moving violation tickets (is that redundant?) I have gotten in my lifetime, and I can't come up with a total. I know I received a couple speeding tickets driving between Louisville and Cincinnati when I lived in Louisville, but attended Xavier in Cincinnati. The speed limit was 55 and Sammy Hagar and I have some things in common. Well, actually we probably only have the one thing in common, I can't drive 55. I know I got a ticket for speeding while driving from Bemidji, Minnesota to somewhere else. Please don't tell me that if you tell the officer your reason is that you have to go to the bathroom, that they will give you a warning, because it did not work for me, and I really did have to go. There are not a lot of pit stops between Bemidji and...anywhere. I don't remember the other tickets, but I know that I had enough points on my license to be in danger of a large fine and losing driving privledges. I knew enough about speeding tickets to know that the fine in Kentucky way back when was $52.50 plus $1 for every mile and hour you were over the limit. My ticket was for $72.50, so I must have been doing like 57 MPH or something. That Xavier Mathematics degree is coming in handy right now.

Beth just reminded me that I have gotten two tickets in the "short" amount of time we have been married. "Seventeen years", I stupidly said (since it has been eighteen).

Why is she sticking her nose all up in my blog business? Well, she saw the title, and she knows that she is the topic for today's blog. We have had a long-standing feud that cute girls never get tickets. She claims that she got a ticket once for running a stop sign near the house she grew up in, but I can think of a couple times since I've known her that she has been pulled over only to receive a warning. There was that pulling into the zoo time when we lived in Buffalo, and there was that other time when you were going somewhere and did something illegal and got pulled over and then...OKAY, I don't remember specifics, but I know ther have been other times.

So the proof was in the pudding (what the heck does that mean anyway?) this past week. There is a spot near our house where almost everyone goes straight, but we need to turn left. Therefore, the go straight lane gets full and no one is sitting in the turn left lane. It is very tempting to cross the double yellow line and zip up to the light so you can be first when the light changes and then get to our house 47 seconds sooner. So Beth did this the other day. Oh wait, did I mention that on the corner of this intersection is the police station? Oh I didn't.

So Police Officer dude pulls over Bethie, and asks her if she knew why he pulled her over? Don't you just love this question? I mean, how many times is this not obvious? I have known every single time that I was going too fast, but they always asked me the question. Is it some sort of entrapment trick? Like if their radar detector wasn't actually working, but they sensed you were speeding by the way the way your lips were curled back around your ears and the loud screams coming from your passengers, they could ask you the question, and if you said, "cause I was speeding", they could use that as a confession. I don't know, but I do know that Beth knew why she had been pulled over. She owned up, and THEN GOT A WARNING!!!! Now, I am grateful that she got a warning and that we did not have to spend the money on a ticket, but I am pretty sure this ugly mug would not have gotten off with a warning. I am tempted to give it a try.

How long do points stay on your license?

So let me know. Are you cute? I mean, are you cute and have never gotten a ticket? Please take my informal survey. So far the votes that are in are 1 not cute, plenty of tickets. 1 very cute, no tickets.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Hey Yoou! Get into my car!!

February 20, 2010

Beth's dad, Charlie, used to like February the most amongst the winter months. He said it was a sign that winter was nearing the end and it was so short, it would go by quickly. Well, February is flying by, and I do not mind. There is about 14" of snow on the ground outside, and that was after a day where it reached 44 degrees. We have had a couple of snow storms this month that have given us the highest snowfall total, 22", that Cincinnati has ever had in February. Since I do not care for winter and favor snow even less, it has not been a happy time for me. It can really affect a mood.

Today was nice though as Mayor McCheese and I went outside to get rid of whatever snow and ice we could from the driveway. I did not do a good job of shoveling as each snowstorm hit, so where we had driven on the snow, ice had formed. This is the hardest part to get rid of as you have to wedge it up and then shovel it into the yard. I was trying not to hurt myself since the ice can be heavy, and I kept warning Cheese to be careful as well.

Wait a minute, you might be saying. Colby Jack was outside with you away from the PS3? Why yes, these are Bugle Boys Jeans I'm wearing. I mean yes, he did come outside with me. He did not volunteer for the project, but came willingly anyway.

So I kept telling him to be careful. Then during one of my rest periods, I actually looked at him. Sure, he was swinging the shovel at the ice like it was an octopus trying to steal his Playstation, and he flung the ice blocks at the yard like raiders were attacking the castle walls below; but I began to see that the chances of this gigantic 13 year old hurting himself were less than I may have first suspected. When did this happen? How did he get so big? I do realize that we feed him somewhere between one and three times a day. He sleeps between 8 and 10 hours a night. We give him hugs daily (one of my rules if you will recall), and hugs have been linked to growth in children. No I don't know by whom, I read it somewhere. First I wrote it, then I read it. No, actually, I read it somewhere credible. Anyway, none of these things led me to believe that he would be this big.

So I did what any dad in my position would have done as he realized his son was growing up too fast, I got the car keys and asked him to move the car for me. For some reason, he looked at me like I must be joking. I cannot think of any precedence for sarcasm being uttered by moi, but still I had to assure him that I was serious.

So keys were obtained, he slid behind the wheel, and I slid into the passenger seat. I talked him though starting the car and where to put his feet in relation to the pedals. All the while, I was flashing back to the little dude I used to have sit on my lap and steer when we lived out in Goshen 10 years ago. Mom did not like the idea then, and I guess you can figure out that she was not home when this took place today.

So we drove downtown and, we moved the car 8 feet. The car's idle did all the work and Seige never had to touch the gas pedal. His learning experience was that the car was more powerful than he thought it would be, and the brakes were way more sensitive than he might have imagined. It was fun. What makes me willing to do stuff like this, is that it doesn't change him. It doesn't make him too overconfident, or make him want to rush life. It just makes him file away things in his head for when the time is right. He is the best child I could have ever wished for.

There was a time when Beth and I were sitting her nephew, and he needed his bottom wiped. Charlie and I called Beth to take care of the task. She informed me that she would never conceive a child with me until I was ready to wipe the poop from our child's bottom. Well believe me, I wiped some poop, I got peed on, he threw up on my head, and still I could not love this guy any more. We went to our favorite Indian Cuisine restaraunt last night, which is located near the University of Cincinnati. I am completely sold on Charlie Joe going to this rival institution, if it means that C Joseph will stay close by until he graduates from college.

Is this because I love the "little" guy, yes. But it is also because what if I need someone to help me lift something? Another helping of dinner C.J.?

Sunday, February 7, 2010


February 7, 2010

There are commercials, usually for tractor pulling contests or something similar, that use the loud, deep-voiced announcer giving it all he has with Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!!! We will sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge!!!

Well, today is Super Bowl Sunday. As a football fan, I am looking forward to the game, but it really turned out more to be about our Church's service today than anything else. Crossroads Community Church here in Cincinnati is known for many great things, and one of which is their Super Bowl Sunday service. It was AWESOME!! It was very funny, and well done, and contained a great message. They are teaching us men what being a manly man is really about. Apparently, being a man is more about how we treat others, how we avoid boyish behaviors such as giving into temptation, and how we avoid peer pressure and act like a strong man. Without too much Jesus canoodling, I will just leave the message part with the thought that I hope the men of the world start to see that manipulating others, or chasing money and status and women, or acting like a boy versus a man are things that make us have scandals such as steroids, Enron, and all the stories about cheating husbands.

Hey, I will be the first to admit that I needed this message as much as any other man there. There have been moments in my life (more than I would care to admit) that I have been more of a boy than a man. For these I apologize. I am not going to use this forum as a confessional, but I will admit that I have done things in my life that I am not proud of.

Conversely, here is what I see for myself in the future that prescribes to this theory of being a man:

1. I plan on putting my family first before work.
2. I plan on turning down all those invitations for trysts that I have been getting from Jennifer Garner and Selma Hayek.
3. I will not yell at one referee during my son's soccer games.
4. I will not utter obsentities at the television when my Xavier Muskateers let another guard take the ball right to the basket without playing good help defense.
5. I will not make fun of my coworker who says things like "how can I run the solicitor out of the parking lot, he's in a wheelchair and has no legs".
6. I will continue to accept the fact that my son is going to watch the beginning of the Super Bowl today only to see the commercials.
7. I will be more of a mentor to the young people at work, since apparently they see me as their dad (or weird uncle) anyway.

And finally, I will make sure that Beth knows that she is the most perfect person in the world for me. I couldn't imagine being with any other woman who I find to be as beautiful as her, as genuinely funny as her, as tolerant of me as her, as smart as her, as common sensicle as her, or as sexy as her. She keeps me on the edge of my seat.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Smelly cat, smelly cat...

February 2, 2010

I have spent the past 6 days both sick and at work. I suppose it isn't horrible to be at work if you are sick since having a few days off and being sick seems more depressing. I didn't believe my sinus infection was contagious, so off to work I went. I do finally have some antibiotics and am feeling better today.

There are a couple great things about my sinus infections. One, you get to amuse the nurse at the clinic with the phrase flem factory. I was surprised she had never heard that one before. Secondly, during the latter stages of my illness, I started to lose my voice. The people at work said it made me sound calmer and, since I was more quiet, they needed to listen more closely to hear. I have thought that perhaps I should use this voice more often.

It reminds me of the Friends episode where Phoebe had a cold and when she sang at Central Perk, she sounded much sexier. Her crowd loved this throaty version of her most famous song, Smelly Cat. Once she started to recover, her voice went back to normal and wasn't as appealing. She sought out a sick friend and attempted to lick him or his plate or something I can't remember in order to recapture her sexy voice. I am keeping my infected toothbrush and will bring it back out when I need the crew to pay extra special attention to me some day.

Another fond memory of being sick, was when Beth and I lived in North Carolina. We both caught some infection that had us coughing and sneezing for days. We lived in an apartment, so our neighbor made sure we knew he could hear us. I believe the expression he used was that he heard us barking like a couple of seals. We weren't offended, because we were barking and Beth got really good at catching the beach ball on her nose that week.

This same neighbor was one of those neighbors that would speak his mind, but he did so in such a way that you found it hard to be annoyed. Another neighbor was letting their youngster run around in a diaper outside one day, and mind-speaking neighbor commented that it was just like living in the ghetto. Cute, huh?

So I am off to work again tomorrow, but I hope to be fully recovered for my weekend off, which also happens to be Superbowl weekend. It should be fun. Who are you routing for, New Orleans of Indianapolis? Or do you just care about the commercials? I like both teams, so I am hoping for a good game. If I had to choose one, I would say New Orleans since they have never won one before. We shall see.

Don't forget to buy your snacks and cold remedies at Target. See you there.