Sunday, November 25, 2012

If I did have a time machine, I would buy young Beth an Easy Bake Oven.

November 25, 2012

Yesterday Beth and I had a tiff.  It happens rarely, but it does happen.  We have been knowing each other for over 25 years.  Even best friends have disagreements.  This one was very similar to many of the other ones we have had.  While not going into all the details, I will give you an oversimplified version of what our arguments entail.

As you men know, spats with your wife require the use of a time machine.  Even though you may be debating a current event, at some point in the debate, something from the past is going to be brought up.  So here is the background information.

Last year at Thanksgiving, I still worked for The Target.  Being brand loyal and all, I selected a Target ham for our Thanksgiving meal.  Actually, in retrospect, it was probably purchased more around Christmas time after the hams were on clearance and we still had pallets of them in the stockroom.  Anyway, I bought one.  It was not good.  It was too bland which means it tasted too much like ham.  No honey glaze, no pecan flavoring, no pineapple, nothing.  However, being stubborn, I made myself and CJ eat a good majority of this ham.  Beth backed out after her first couple of samples.  She was plenty brand loyal to Target also, but she was much more loyal to her taste buds.  And way smarter than me.  For her to continue eating this ham would have been an insult to the lives given up by Porky and Charlotte and whatever farmyard oinkers you have read fables about.

So CJ and I ate ham.  Ham with potatoes.  Ham with eggs.  Ham sandwiches.  Ham with pasta.  Ham with ham as a side.  Good God.  You get the idea.  So I would guess sometime in February I uttered a phrase suggesting that I may never eat ham again.  Something like, "I may never eat ham again!"

Fast forward to November at Beth's workplace.  Someone brought in samples of ham and turkey from The Honey Baked Ham store.  It was delicious apparently.  Beth then suggested we have ham for Thanksgiving.  Okay I said.  But you know how it is, I did not say it loud enough or with nearly enough passion.  Beth then remembered how I had declared my loathing for ham earlier in the same calendar year.  She then said, "Oh, that's right, you hate ham." 

What I should have said was, "No, I hate Target ham."  What I did say was, "No, ham will be fine."  The word fine is never a good endorsement.  Have you noticed that?  When is fine good?  Maybe with a ballpoint pen, but hardly any other time.  Telling someone you are fine is the same as telling them, "I'm not good but I will not burden you with my troubles." 

So saying ham would be fine for Thanksgiving was wrong.  I totally own that one.

So we had turkey for Thanksgiving.  The whole dinner was awesome and prepared by a woman with a badly sprained foot.  It also took shopping trips to several stores to make happen.  Even all the leftovers are gone already which means we enjoyed them so much we were willing to eat it for every meal the past couple days.  Way past fine, that meal was.  No, I am not sure why I am talking like Yoda.

Therefore, I am publicly stating my private apology to Beth for our tiff yesterday.  All the things that surfaced were either my fault or the fault of our parents and baggage from the holidays as kids.  No time machine can go back and fix those things.  Holidays are stressful.  The good news about those, for me anyway, is that they are not my fault.  Talking them out helps lessen their affect.  That is what we did. 

I am sorry sweetie for yesterday.  Let's not do that again for awhile.  XOXO

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving!

November 22, 2012

Today is weird.  It is 5:45 in the am and I am up, but not exhausted or worried about work.  I left my CVS around 6pm last night.  Yes, my name is on the front of the store just like that strange Bonnie lady riding her segue through her CVS.  The store had been busy, but not crazy.  I got the 3 day ad set up in a few hours and have no concern that it hasn't been signed by the overnight team.  If I were to choose to be worried about something, it would be the lack of Juke Boxes for the ad.  We only have one juke box, 2 microwaves, and 3 popcorn poppers left.  Do we need more than that?  I do not know.  I had no idea we would sell out of universal remotes or Easyfeet so quickly in our last ad.  People still need universal remotes?   And clean feet?  Who knew?

So my boss and I were looking at each other in wonder yesterday as we recalled our past retail lives.  He was a store manager for Kroger and you know my history.  We both feel truly blessed or lucky (not sure his religious brand loyalty) to have chosen a new career path.  Therefore, as I drove home last evening, I felt myself actually looking forward to a holiday with my family.  Beth is cooking for the three of us and we will be stopping by her mother's house later for a visit.  It should be a great meal and a good day.  My one concern about the meal, as we speak, is that there seems to be a piece of pumpkin pie missing.  Have any of you seen it, or CJ?  If I were a detective, he would be the primary suspect.

Do you plan on shopping tonight?  I have decided not to.  I was going to look for an iPad 2 for Beth at The Target since she cracked her screen on her current one, but she says she does not want it and it costs $399 and then you get a $60 gift card.  If not that then I am not sure what to get her.  She got excited about the Barbie multi-princess pack in somebody's toy ad, but I am going to guess that she wanted to get that for the nieces and not herself.  Same deal for the Barbie head.  Creepy.

It has also been a difficult year to choose what to get CJ.  His birthday and Christmas fall within five days of one another so he typically gets a nice combo gift.  Last year was a computer.  Other years have included game systems and the like, so he usually does quite well for himself.  However, this year he wants for nothing.  His friends are getting iPhones.  He admits he needs another distraction like dogs in our neighborhood need one more squirrel to move in.  The only thing I can think of is possibly getting concert tickets or something.  We are huge fans of a comedian named Mike Birbiglia (ready the Google alert) so I may see if he is on tour this coming year. 

I may go ahead and shop around for that now since everyone is still asleep and the computer has decided to become difficult.

So Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and I sincerely hope you have plenty to be thankful for this year.  God Bless.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Wasn't one of the Powerpuff girls black and blue and puffy?

November 20, 2012

Good morning.  I have the day off and Beth said I could not rake leaves today (she doesn't want me to get sick before the holidays) so my task list is rather minimal.  Eat snacks, play Black Ops, blog, eat snacks, clean cars, buy more snacks, fix the clogged drain in the bathroom, and get some Chipotle for dinner.  You may notice that I did not include dusting this table and keyboard in front of me even though I could write my name in the dust right now.  I figure it has a lot to do with the angle of the sunlight coming in the room.  If I wait a couple hours it won't look so dusty. 

My new blog will be called "How to avoid pesky housework".  It will include tidbits about closing shades so the sun won't show the dust, don't do push ups so you don't see the filth under the couch, and don't do yoga so you can't see the cobwebs forming in the corners of the room as you pose like a warrior.  Coming soon to a book store near you.

Speaking of push ups, I had once told Beth that we would know when CJ had an interest in girls by how he acted.  I knew from being a boy 50 years ago, that boys change their demeanor and actions when they notice the female form for the first time.  For me it meant a lot of hair pulling and pushing girls down on the playground.  College did not go well for me.

However, for CJ it has been a bit more of a grown up reaction.  More grown up than hair pulling?  Hard to believe, I know.  What I have noticed is that he cares more about his appearance. 

If you are the parent of a tween or teenage boy you know that getting them to shower or brush their hair or put on deodorant or change their underwear is not accomplished without constant reminders.  What I have learned recently is that when said teenager has a beautiful girl he is smitten with, he wears deodorant and brushes his hair.  He uses the face cleaning pads you bought him for the acne breakouts.  And he challenges his old man to a push up contest since he has been working out.  He loses, but he challenges.  And he vows for a rematch. 

Great.  Now, not only do I have to keep doing push ups, but for those of you with reading comprehension skills, you know that I may also need to clean under the couch.  Not only are teenagers expensive to feed and clothe, but they cause other issues too.  Is it worth it?  You better believe it is.

In other news, as most of you know, Aunt Beth is rather enamored with her niece Julia.  So much so, in fact, that she attempted to break her own foot this week. 

CJ had gone to an ironically named cast party Saturday night after the completion of the high school production of Our Town.  He was going to be out late.  I was sleeping as I had just worked an exhausting 45 hour work week.  (Threw that in for my ex-Target peeps).  Beth was staying up late to be the pick up mom.  However, being in her mid-forties took over and she fell asleep sitting cross-legged on the couch.  Her foot must also be fortyish since it fell asleep too.  At 12:45 CJ arrived home having secured a ride with another party goer.  Beth, in a semi-asleep startled state (Alaska I think), jumped off the couch only to have her foot decide standing was not in its best interest.  Down she went. 

I would take a picture of her foot since she seems to be showing anyone that will look, but she is at work and you may want to eat lunch later.  It is black and blue and puffy.   However, thankfully not broken.  CJ and I are especially grateful since mom in a cast means boys doing the laundry. 

I have offered to purchase Beth one of those walker on wheels things where you put your knee on the padded seat and push yourself around with the other leg since we sell them at CVS and they are in next week's ad (spoiler alert!), but Beth has declined my offer.  And proven to me that her fist is not broken.

This is getting rather lengthy so I will sign off.  Let me see what is next on my list.  Aaah yes, snacks.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Everybody going to have a good time

November 14, 2014

I have no plans to ever divorce Beth, but if I did, the reason line would simply read, "Party Rockers in the House Tonight."

It's not that Beth had a party last night and Jon Bon Jovi just would not take the hint to leave.  Excuse me Jon, we are all out of queso. 

The fact of the matter is that I have had an ear worm all day of little Julia channeling her voice through Aunt Beth singing some LMFAO lyrics.

Beth assures me it is adorable and I would like it if I had ever heard it, but I'm not buying it.

So has everyone else shirked their housework today to play some COD Black Ops II?  I sure have.  I did not think it was going to be an issue until I swooped into the dining room and saw something move in the corner.  Since I am home alone, I took issue with that.  Then I realized it was simply the dust bunnies circling the wagons as they planned a coup.  Since their numbers were nearing something that could take down Gulliver, I thought I better break out the vacuum.

I made the purchase at my old Target this morning and got to see some of my former coworkers.  Man I really miss those guys, but not so much The Target.  They remembered me and treated it like a celebrity sighting similar to when Nick Lachey or Tonya O'Rourke stops by.  I know you don't know Tonya, but look back at some early posts of mine and my affection for her is explained.  Fortunately, she never reciprocated or turning her down would have made for an awkward situation.

While at The Target, I was made aware that some of these guys have taken to reading my blog.  I was actually told this as I texted with a past coworker who has moved to Columbus but shares the same Xavier alumni status as myself.  Since I knew she was someone I could celebrate last night's victory with, I texted her.  She let me know of the blog stalking.  I did not believe her since I have never seen a lot of action on Feedjit suggesting an increase in readership and have certainly never seen a comment from these stalkers.  However, I was assured today that some of them actually do read.  One even used the term witty.  I'm guessing they did not read yesterday's post.

Therefore, my first reaction when I heard this was concern.  Had I said anything that may have offended upon my departure?  I had no reason to, but could something have been taken wrong?  Sarcasm is sometimes misunderstood.  Nonetheless, they assured me that nothing like that had happened.  Good. 

Therefore, I will include in here, out of earshot, that I was a little upset with the people I saw today.  They looked a little too good.  The store looked too good.  It was fairly obvious that I have not been missed.  The team lead I used to call Yoda had lost weight and looked happy.  The Manager of the front also looked thinner and tanner, and not stressed.  The team out on the floor looked like they had no worries about next week.  All the while, I looked in the mirror at home and saw that I still have gray hair and pimples and dark circles.  Not fair.  Especially the gray hair with pimples part. 

Perhaps I need to return to The Target.  NOT!!!!!

I know that things are good for me and I am certainly not hoping that things are bad for my old work mates.  I hope all of you in retail and elsewhere are ready for a good holiday season filled with blessings and good tidings.  You know, comfort and joy and all that.  And if you are expecting company-aka Jon Bon Jovi-make sure you have plenty of queso.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Some updates

November 13, 2012

I spoke with my sister yesterday and got some updates on her crazy life.  I do not know how much I have shared with y'all in the past, but her life is pretty nuts. 

Her husband is an Army Ranger and on active duty.  He has never been stationed anywhere overseas crazier than Qatar, but has had to travel plenty while stationed here in the states.  The post he had in Georgia close to home closed and he got moved to one of the Carolinas-five hours from home.  Ft Bragg I think.  He has been trying to get closer to home and fought the army red tape and finally succeeded.  As of last week he got stationed within two hours from home.  Yay!

My sister, who attended the University of Cincinnati and graduated with a degree in Interior Design, has been a stay-at-home mom since her children were born.  She has done some freelance work, but with three children under nine and three puppies under foot, I don't think she finds time to freelance anymore.  Add in a husband gone five days a week and it can't possibly be done.

My sister is also the owner of the child who visited us and came away with a leg that really hurt.  She left Cincinnati with a cast.  It has been removed and she is fully healed.  Life may becoming more normal at their house.  All she has to do now is read my blog, eat bon bons, and prep a Thanksgiving meal for her whole family and my brother and his family.  No big deal.

As for Thanksgiving plans here at our house, we are not sure.  A couple years ago it was Steak n Shake, and last year it was a forgettable experience at Cracker Barrel.

The thing that will be strange this year is my schedule.  For the first time I can remember in the past 25 years, I do not need to open on Black Friday.  CVS is not the number one spot for most folks on Black Friday-unless they need smokes and a Mountain Dew to get them going.  Therefore, CVS is is running their big ad on Sunday 11/18 to try to catch the shoppers getting prescriptions filled before the holiday.  Pretty smart I think.  And for me, that means I am working the least amount of hours I can ever recall around Thanksgiving.  I haven't completely wrapped my brain around it, but I could get used to it.

Can you believe all the big box stores are opening either at 9pm Thursday night or Midnight?  At what point have the big wigs decided that the employees don't matter anymore?  What kind of holiday will it be for those folks who have to work overnight on Thanksgiving?  Good gravy.

Beth just got home for lunch so I will go keep her company for a bit.  Xavier plays Butler at 4pm if you are interested in rooting on the Muskies with me.  If you are rooting for the Bulldogs, sure you will probably win, but will you feel good about it?  Yeah, I guess you will. 

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I'm wearing two hats..

November 1, 2012

...and neither one is a sleeping cap.

Last night was Halloween.  It was cold and wet here in Cincinnati.  I can think of no description in which cold and wet is portrayed as a good thing.

In the movie Good Morning Vietnam with Robin Williams, he is giving the jungle weather forecast as hot and wet, "Which is great if you're with a woman, but horrible if you are in the jungle."

If you can think of a favorable weather forecast for cold and wet, let me in on it.

So we had about 1/3 the normal amount of trick-or-treaters at our house.  I have a basket full of non-chocolate candies left over.  Sad to look at really.  Of the goblins we did have last night, I estimate there were 20 teenage girls.  If you were ever wondering what candy snack to serve at a teenage girl party, go with Pixie Stix.  Of the 20 girls, 18 of them snatched up some Pixie Stix.  It was as if they were about to debut as a toddler with a tiara.

They went after them like Mike Birbiglia's father reads war novels, aggressively and passionately.

Each year Beth and I debate who our favorite treater was.  It is usually more of a challenge since there are around 300 overall contestants and half are under the age of 10.  We usually have an award for over 10 and one for under 10.  It is very unofficial, but the winner gets a Snickers Slice n' Share bar to be handed out on All Saint's Day.  For some strange reason none of them have ever tried to claim their award.  Good thing since one of those giant candy bars wouldn't last 15 minutes in this house.

So without further ado, last night's award goes to....Lightning McQueen!  Ta da!

This little dude was TOO excitied to be out and about.  He bounced up to our door, said his lines perfectly, and then started to bounce away.  I think he caught on that Beth and I had been smitten with him and fed into our rapture as he was leaving.

 "I am Lightning McQueen on the bottom and I have Lightning shoes and I am wearing two hats.  One is a regular cold-weather hat, and one is a Lightning McQueen hat.  Bye.  Happy Halloween!"

OMG!  Come back here Lightning!  You need another Pixie Stick.

Another sad reality about last night was that it was CJ's first Halloween night not spent at our house.  At 15, we did not expect him to go trick-or-treating.  However, he usually sets up camp in the basement with a buddy or two and the number ebbs and flows as friends stop by.  Not last night.

He was at his friend who is a girl's house.  There was a small gathering and they watched Avengers.  Perfectly wonderful event, but Beth and I were very sad to know our little dude was not here with us.

Around 8:30, I left the house to go to work.  At The CVS, just like The Target, you have to change over from Halloween to Christmas ASAP.  Halloween goes half off at midnight and surely customers will be wanting there Holiday popcorn tins starting November 1st.  The difference beween The Target and The CVS was that our changeover last night took 5 of us 7 hours.  At The target, it will take 7 people 5 days provided they ever sell all those costumes.

I returned home to our casa around 5:30 and have slept a couple hours.  My brain does not take well to sleeping in the daylight.  Check back in with me around 5:30 pm and see who is a little dozzy.  Until then, no critiquing of my spelling nor my grammar.  Keep in sleep.  I am running on Pixie Stix and Sweet Tarts here.