Nanu, nanu

January 10, 2012

We keep a dry erase calendar on our fridge on which we write my schedule, upcoming band events, appointments, etc.  Beth asked me to update it today so as to clear the part off that said "winter break".  Who is sad that break is over?  Could it be Beth and CJ?  You betcha.

The good news about updating the calendar, is that it now extends through February 11th.  Can you believe it is that close to February already?  We have not even had snow here in Cincinnati yet.  The forecast calls for it on Thursday, but this past weekend, it was almost 60 degrees outside.  Global warming much?  Thank you The Baby.  I translated El Nino for you in case you don't speak the Spanish.

I am hoping for a return to work/life balance this month even though my store is going through a remodel.  I worked way too much in November and December and it really hit a tipping point last week.  The workload was extreme, I was tired, and I may have gotten a little cranky at work in the middle of it.

My boss had a sit down hour long conversation with me yesterday coaching/criticizing my crankiness.  I will paraphrase the end result for you.  Steve, you care too much and try to do too much yourself.

So herein lies the issue.  He is not wrong.  While I do not want to be told that I care too much, because that is something I really thought was a good thing, perhaps I am wrong.  Caring so much has led to issues/problems.

1. By the time January rolls around, I am exhausted
2. I have a temper, and I have trouble controlling it when my filter is overloaded
3. I get a martyr complex during which I think I have to solve all the problems and do not ask for help (I always wait for help to be offered, and guess what, IT NEVER IS!!)
4. CJ does not want to get a job because he thinks it could only lead to stress and worry

That last one is the problem.  It's not that he should not expect work to come with certain amounts of stress or challenges, it's just that people handle it differently that his old man.  My work/life balance has been worse in the past, but the constant in my retail career, and the challenges I have faced, has been me.  Everywhere I go, there I am.  I need to rewire my brain.  Perhaps some electrodes or some sort of exorcism.  I have demons.

It's like the good demon and the bad demon are both sitting on the shoulders of my brain and telling me what I am doing wrong.  Neither one seems to have the right answer.  The difference between the two is that one tells me I am doing it wrong and the other says I am doing it right.  The one who agrees with the outside world, let's call him Mork, knows for sure that there is a better way and that all I have to do is find it.  The issue is that Mork has hidden the secret answer on the planet Ork and only Pam Dawber can help me find it.  I have no idea where she is.

The other demon, who I will call Steve, has been wired to think there are only two ways to get the job done-the right way and the wrong way.  Mork even told me yesterday that there may be times when I will have to settle for less than the expected standards.  Beg your pardon?  Since when?

How do I go back in time and tell the mother that raised me that less than perfect is okay?  How do you get a mentor for that?  Anyone on the LSU football team feeling good about their season today?  Undefeated, beat all comers, until the national championship game.  Worst game you played all year on the most important day.  National Champ RUNNER UP.  Are you okay with that?

Obviously, Demon Steve has not bought into the theory just yet.  Let's try a different source.

Excuse me, Charlie Sheen, do you have a moment?

 Have you seen Pam Dawber? Can we hire NCIS to look for her?  Shazbot!

I am open to any and all advice.  I have given Steve the day off, Mork is listening.