Happy Birthday Mr. Mayor

December 20, 2011

December 20, 1996, aka, the day the Charles Joseph turned zero.  My little boy turns 15 today around 6pm.  Beth has told him he would have to wait until 6:00 to get his present as that was his actual birth time, but he threatened to take away hugs for a month.  He will be receiving his gift after his History final at 10:30.  It is 8:00 now and CJ is in the middle of WWI, or The Depression, or The Roaring Twenties; but I gotta believe his brain is not all in.  He has been waiting for his birthday present for months and today is the last day of finals before a nice long Winter break from school.  If he can distinguish Herbert Hoover from a vacuum right now, I will be impressed.

His present is a new laptop.  We did not go top-of-the-line as he really wanted, but we were dangerously close for awhile.  Our original thought was that the computer we purchased now would be the one he takes off to college.  Then it delta dawned on us that our current laptop is only a few years old and is already out-dated.  College is too far away for this present to still be college worthy 4 years from now. 

It is strange for someone my age to see technology advance so quickly now.  Every time you turn around now there is a new Ipod, LED/3D television, or computer processor.  I remember upgrading from the $1000 computer with the flux capacitor processor, to the Pentium to the Centrino to whatever there is now.  When I was young, technological upgrades went from outdoor to indoor toilets for everyone.  Calculators went from the desk top to your pocket.  Photos popped right out of your camera and you shook them like a Polaroid Picture.

So, in two hours, my little boy is going to bust in the door, throw his hoodie on the floor, dump his shoes at the back door, leave his back pack in a pile in the dining room, take his socks off and leave them somewhere as yet undetermined, forage through the "hiding place" of his present, and start the disc back up process.  He may never eat again.

I hope to eat one last supper with him by getting his favorite meal as carryout for tonight.  We love an Indian restaurant near downtown called Ambar.  Their Chicken Tikka and Chicken Tikka Masala are to die for.  Yum!  Perhaps if he does not eat, there will be more for me.

Therefore, I would like to take this time to wish my favorite kid a most Happiest Birthday.  I have given you many nicknames over the years including:

• CJ Destructo-since you always delighted more in knocking the tower over than building it
• Charlie Joe-since you remind us of both your Grandpas at times
• Colby Jack-due to the "CJ" thing and your tremendous love of all things cheese
• Mayor McCheese-since your are a friend of the people and, the cheese thing

However, we continue to promise to never call you Charles, or Chuck, of CJoe, or late for dinner.

We also promise to continue to love you forever and to never forget the cute you even when you stop being so cute.

•   I will always remember the infant who said the word "ham" while I was reading to him about Sam and his eggs.
•  I will always remember the knock me over hugs you would give me when I would come home from work and you were a toddler. 
• I will always remember you initiating hand holding with me and mom at Winton Woods as we walked along the lake. 
• I will always remember the face you would make when someone would "gobble, gobble" at you around Thanksgiving.
• I will always remember you giggling when Cookie Monster would shake his whole self over your head.
• And, I will always remember you putting the cologne on your face while looking in the mirror and then screaming because it stung.

Hey, wait a minute!

Apparently there was no class at XU or UC on Saturday.

December 11, 2011

For those of you who are not sports fans, the next few paragraphs are going to read like a lot of blah de blah blah.  I am using this forum as my "personal" diary to voice my frustration with the basketball game I watched yesterday.

Xavier and the University of Cincinnati played their annual crosstown shootout yesterday and XU won 76-53, but no one cares about the score.  They had a brawl at the end of the game that was both ugly and embarrassing.

I am a graduate from Xavier University back in 1987.  I LOVE Xavier basketball.  As much as I have tried to not let it happen, the performance of my favorite basketball team affects my mood.  I realize the stupidity of this when I watch Beth worry about stuff somewhat more important like the international finance market and how it affects our 401K, but I cannot help myself.

So there I was yesterday, prouder than I have ever been of my team during the game-for 39 minutes. 

They played their best game of the year and they did it without any of the thuggish behavior that has occurred in games past.  Sure, you could tell there was some woofing going on.  Trash talk is part of the game sometimes, especially when you get a bunch of 20-something men together.  In fact, I sometimes walk through a Walmart and trash talk the managers there.

Nice smiley face on your name tag!

Made in America, whatever!

Did Kathy Lee design your outfit!

Okay, I have not been in a Walmart in decades and I do not know from trash talk, but that is somewhat my point.  I understand that college boys who came from different backgrounds than I, may go about things a different way than me.

 They may listen to rap music.  They may refer to themselves as gangstas or talk about putting the other team in a body bag-metaphorically; but that is where it needs to end.  Especially when you are on full scholarship representing a university on a court in front of paying fans-AND THEIR CHILDREN. 

You want to fight somebody during or after a game?  Go back to your neighborhood playground.  Don't get paid to represent my school, where I would love my son to go for free, and then instigate or participate in a brawl.

Good Lord!

It was like watching my son being born...and then finding out I wasn't the father.  (No, this did not happen to me). 

Watching the game was like watching boys learn how to play tough and SMART and like the better team, and I was proud to be their fan; only to find out at the end that they were not proud to be my team.

Idiot prevention devices, priceless.

December 6, 2011

The rain has stopped for now which is good because Noah needs some time to finish his work.  We have had over 96 inches of rain this year in Cincinnati which is 30 inches more than a normal year.  I am hoping that means we are due for some dry times as continuing this trend with cold weather coming would spell disaster for this town.  Cincinnatians do not handle snow well.  That is partly due to the fact that the temperature is usually hovering around the freezing mark and the beginning of the precipitation is usually in the form of ice.  Ice under snow is bad news. 

Couple that with the reality that drivers around here have issues with dry pavement and you got trouble right here in river city.  When we get bad driving conditions here, there are two types of drivers that hit the road.  The first thinks you have to drive 20mph and keep your right turn signal on the whole time, and the second takes a toboggan approach and drives faster so you can get to the bottom of the hill quicker.  These two techniques do not mix well.  Like ice and rain.  Or fire and rain.  James Taylor was on drugs, right?

Part of the issue is that a lot of us drive SUVs now.  I have one too, and I realize that I count on the 4 wheel drive feature to keep me out of trouble.  I drive up a hill in the rain counting on my 4 wheel drive to kick in.  This is a feature I do not understand.

The vehicle's computer is so smart it can sense when it needs the other 2 wheels to have pulling power.  I don't understand it, but I am forever grateful for how smart vehicles have become.  Whomever came up with the feature that makes the car ding at you when you leave your lights on-love that person.  And the person who made it so that you cannot take your keys out of the ignition unless your car is in park.  Hugs.

I know it is sad that I need these features, but I do.  Every year, around this time, I used to have an issue with my car.  Every year it came down to me being tired and burned out and doing something stupid.

Like the one year when I tried to leave work and my car would not start.  It was late at night and I ended up having to stay over at one of the other manager's house since I worked 40 minutes from my apartment.  That meant wearing the same clothes to work the next day and not shaving.  I looked good.

"Fortunately", the store for which I was employed, had a auto repair place attached.  They towed my car into the garage.  They came to find me later with good news and bad news.

Good news:  The reason your car would not start is that you left it in drive.

Bad news:  The fee for being an idiot is $25.

I figure whatever I have had to pay extra for in a vehicle over the years for features that protect me from idiot fees, have probably balanced out.

That was a nice gramatically correct sentence, huh?

I am going to take care of some Christmas shopping and wrapping before Beth get's home.  Don't tell her, but I am getting her a piece of chocolate but wrapping it in an extra large box.  Snicker.

I can explain why the mermaids are on dry land today

November 29, 2011

I am somewhat sure that someone broke into our house this morning.  The odd thing is that the only thing they stole was all of our hot water.  I just went to take a shower, and about 30 seconds in, it was as if all the toilets in our house flushed at the same time.  In fact, my first thought was, "Who flushed the toilet?"  My second thought was reality setting in that I was the only one in the house.  Unless someone was upstairs helping themselves to our toilet. 

THE FLUSH CAME FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!

That horror movie line was left on the cutting room floor.

Then I remembered that I have a teenage son.  Beth had gotten him up and scooted him into the shower around 6:50.  Approximately 7:05, I heard the water still running.  Fearing that he may have fallen and hit his head, I rushed downstairs to the shower to find that he was okay.  I called out to him that Neptune had called and was running a quart low.

It is, actually, hard to imagine any water supply running low right now as it has rained here almost nonstop since Saturday night.  The smaller rivers in the area already have flood warnings and the mighty Ohio River is really high as well.

If water thievery weren't a good enough indicator of me not having any exciting news today, what I am going to share with you next will surely seal the deal.

Looking for an easy dinner option for two people?  Here is a recommendation.

I tried something new from The Target this week.  It was called Buitoni complete meal for two.  It is on sale buy one get the second half price.  I think they were $8 apiece making them $12 for two.  BUT THEN, if you can find the ones with the $2 off coupon on them, you start to get a really good deal.  $4 apiece was more in my price range for trying something new.  And, the one we ate last night was quite delicious.  Plus, being ravioli, it took like 6-7 minutes to prepare.  We tried the chicken and mushroom last night and also bought the shrimp and lobster.

Disclaimer alert, when one of the participants in the "dinner for two" is a teenage boy, your share may be lessened.  My goal for the next box will involve an addition of salmon or more plain ravioli or something to try to stretch it out for three of us.  I am assuming Beth would like to eat as well.

So there you go.  A rainy day in November and nothing going on.  I have a coupon for a free donut at Dunkin Donuts since one near us just had a grand opening.  Perhaps I will partake and then flop down on the couch to watch Once Upon a Time on DVR.  The witch in it is just so evil.

Maybe she stole my water.  Hmmmm.

Hold the pepper please

November 27, 2011

Today is Sunday at 6:30am.  I have been up for 30+ minutes since I fell asleep at 9:30 last night.  I had just taken my Geritol and it makes me drowsy.  Plus, the episode of Matlock was not especially intriguing.  Yes, I am trying to say I am old.  When the reality of the situation is that I am tired.

Why tired?  Can't figure it out.  I closed at The Target Wednesday night which meant working 2pm-1am.  Thanksgiving meant a trip to see Great Aunt Rhetta at 10:30 (who still thinks I am her greatest joy), and then a trip to Cracker Barrel for dinner.  Along with the rest of Cincinnati.  When we got there, they told us the wait was 97 minutes.  97.  I think they chose this arbitrary amount of time to throw us off.  First, I doubt very much that the management there had any clue how long it was going to be before they sat us.  Second, 97?  My theory is that by saying 97 minutes instead of ONE AND A HALF HOURS, they don't get as many upset people. 

Beth, being as smart as she is beautiful, decided we needed carryout.  This only took about 34 minutes and gave CJ and me time to look at some of the things in the country store there and for him to remind me what a Goofwegian he is.  It also gave us time to make fun of people's last names when they were being called to be seated.  Our personal best was when they called the Naily family.  When they had to call them a second time, we decided they must be out getting hammered.

So after a delicious CB dinner, I took a nap for a couple hours.  Then it was off to The Target at 9:30 to be ready to open at midnight.  At midnight everyone rushed in and we had a couple of crazy hours until about 3am.  Then all the guests went home and went to bed.  We waited for the second wave, and waited.  My boss finally told me to go home around 7:30.  On the way home I heard about some lady using pepper spray on other shoppers to keep them away from what she wanted to buy.  I think she was in California and Kelly can probably let us know if everyone in Cali is that cray cray.  I do not think the lady remembers that Santa sees you when you are awake too.

I grogged my way through the rest of Friday and even went out with Beth to the mall around 6pm.  The mall had a lot of foot traffic, but not many people had shopping bags.  Santa arrived while we were there and and had some elves with him who had some rather long faces.  I don't know where they go from here if they are unhappy on November 25th.  Do they realize that they have 30 days until Christmas? 

I was reminded of one of CJ's jokes from our time together Thursday.  A horse walked into a bar and the bartender asked him, "Why the long face?"  Horse: "Because I have cancer."

At lease we are not paying for his high school education.

I worked again yesterday and those of us who had done the midnight thing on Friday were making the best of it though most of us looked like zombies.  It is a good thing we weren't actually zombies as finding human brains to eat on Saturday might have been difficult.

That leads to today and I am off.  It will be nice to go to service, get some Chipotle, watch some football, and spend time with Beth and CJ.  I was going to rake the rest of the leaves today and clean out the gutters again, but it is raining.  Does anyone else hear the couch calling me? 

Be right there.

Life's funnies

November 23, 2011

Things have been a little bat poop crazy at work lately as though there was some sort of holiday shopping day coming up. Fortunately, there have been a couple of funnies that happened at work to make a small part of each day a wee bit less stressful. Now I will share a couple.

A guest came up top me in the movie department and asked if I could help him find a movie. I asked which one and he said, "Secret". I said, "I'm sorry, I can't tell you." He said, "Why not?" Some people just don't get me.

A team member was speaking with our Human Resource Manager one day and asked her if she was leaving for the day. HR lady said, "no, not yet." The team member followed this up with, "when you do go home, will you not be in your office anymore?" For the record, it is fairly common knowledge that HR lady does not live in her office.

Finally, CJ had a friend over yesterday. This friend had a birthday recently for which CJ gifted him a PlayStation Network card and some Snausages. The Snausages were a gag gift since this friend has shared with CJ that he detests the Snausages commercial with every fiber of his being. Ever since we learned that at our house, we randomly yell out, SNAUSAGES whenever this friend comes over. Us, gracious hosts since, like, never.

So I was taking friend home last night and I asked him if he had eaten his Snausages yet. He said no. I asked why he did not want his coat to be thick and shiny. He thought for a second and followed up with, "I guess I could feed them to my coat."

The prettiest princess of all was sitting on my front porch

November 1, 2011

I have a couple of updates here to share from October.  First, I bought CJ his first razor.  It is electric as that is what I use and my dad used.  His dad used a sharp rock or something, not sure, it was a long time ago.  It is not that CJ has 5:00 shadow every day just yet, it is more that he has 5 day scraggly hair going on.  He looks like one of those old men that misses the same little hairs every day.  You talk to them and can't stop staring at the long hair next to their ear or under their eye.  And he has that bad romance moustache thing going on.  You know, when it is obvious that they have a hairy upper lip, but it looks more like something Aunt Edna would have than Uncle Jim. 

Needless to say, Beth was a little sad about the razor.  She knew he needed one but gets a little more sad each time he takes another step into manhood.  THANK GOD he still gives us hugs.  When those go away, we will probably get arrested at the mall for randomly hugging little kids.

Speaking of little kids, we had about 180 show up at our house last night for Halloween.  Yes, there were plenty of high school kids wearing a tee shirt with a food stain on it saying their costume was "messy eater dude", but there were also plenty of adorable little children.  Beth and I always try to exchange in a dialogue about their costume and how cute or scary it is, but most of the kids are just like, "give me the damn candy and shut your pie hole!"  They have two hours to collect more candy than their parents normally let them eat in an entire year.  The most discussed costumes belonged to a set of 13 year-old twin boys we know who were only attired in Speedos and socks and shoes.  At the beginning of the night, it was in the mid 50's.  By the end, it had gone into the 40's.  Shrinkage?  DON'T LOOK!!

Actually, there were way more "trick or treats", and "thank yous", and "happy Halloweens", than there usually are.  We truly enjoy that part.

The other thing to share and record for posterity, is that the marching band season concluded this past Saturday at the OMEA State Competition in Columbus.  They received a Superior rating.  They were only the third band from this high school to complete the season with Superior ratings at all six competitions.  Congratulations to the band and all the instructors who worked so hard to make this happen.

CJ has a new app on his IPod that allows him to hack into our home computer and view or interact with whatever is going on.  He has even been known to pull up a You Tube video of a cat playing a piano to try to freak us out when we are not looking.  When I catch him, I try to interact with him.  Today, he pulled up the cat video, and I countered by typing in the You Tube search box, "CJ gets punched in the face".  There are actually videos of a CJ out there getting punched, but he is not mine.  Yet.  He just now hacked in and tried to add lines to this post until I won the contest by typing how he looked like a girl in his costume.  The student has not yet bested the master.

Besides, I am wondering why he isn't paying attention in class right now?  He forgets that his mom works at the school.  I may need to have her go to his classroom and see what shenanigans are going on.